This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
