I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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