Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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