Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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