Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
