highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
