I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
foreskin is a definite game changer
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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