My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
