I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
