They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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