I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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