OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
there's paper in my vomit.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
