No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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