Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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