Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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