i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize