I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
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