i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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