the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
