OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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