jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
