Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm like, not good at living.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
