do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
