My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
