You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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