The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
