apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
