this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
