I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
