Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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