my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize