The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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