I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
