Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
