There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
