This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
