you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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