Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
