Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
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