Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize