we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
