I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We just shotgunned beers for America
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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