2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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