maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
