I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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