Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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