So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
