I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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