He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
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