I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
