i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
