I have demons in me.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize