she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
