Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
