I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
