a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
