Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
