Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
