i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
