brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
