Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
