shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
