There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
